I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize