i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Randomize
