That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
