Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
