she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
