you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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