I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
