happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
