I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
