I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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