Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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