Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
sarcasm needs its own font
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
