Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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