I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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