my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
