My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
