Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
