So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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