I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
