I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
