Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
