How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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