somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
