So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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