I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
