last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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