Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
