Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
