Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
