I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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