I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
