So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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