My Higher Power is John Stamos
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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