I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
