you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
