im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
