I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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