I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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