when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
