once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
FUCK WHALES
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
