I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
