I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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