made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
