i think my mom watched the whole time
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize