Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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