I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
