I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
