I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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