Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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