She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
