Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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