OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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