ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
