quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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