i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize