Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize