my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
