a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
