I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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